when do eyes dry out?

vague update into the saga.

I have never felt more alone and sad than I do right now in my life. I have made so many mistakes up to this point. I keep telling myself that..you only live once..be happy and make the most of it. But, I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want them to hurt me, either. At first, I liked the idea of feeling that pain again...knowing that I am alive. Now that it has been lingering for a couple of weeks now, I would rather it just go away. So, what do I do? Do I go back to the comfort that I once knew, knowing that he will never leave me? Or, do I move forward into the unknown? It is looking bleak at the moment. And, my fears are usually correct...it may never be the same again.

The human mind/body is an incredible thing.
Not even considering what my day holds tomorrow, I have been blankly staring at the TV, watching my normal idiotic shows...and my stomach started to hurt and my heart started to race. Where has all this anxiety come from?
Then, I realized that I have to run a group tomorrow by myself for the first time in 2 years. Not only do I have to run group, but the boys are incredibly high energy and inappropriate. I haven't even considered what I wanted to do. My body just reminded me of what I need to do.
Now, I am anxious. I hate feeling anxious. Especially 14 hours in advance.

New car, new job...can't make everything right.
I'm sad that in life you can't be completely honest with those around you. But, I suppose that's a safety risk.

I need validation that I am not a terrible person.

This place is like the new facebook for me. I don't mean that in some cool, hip way. I mean, I still can't figure it out.
My new fancy camera is collecting dust because I'm computer illiterate. It's an unfortunate thing. I need to brush up on my skills if I want to stay young forever.

Completely off subject, tonight at work I said the word "jankety" to my boss. He laughed at me and said he had never heard that word. So, I sent him a link to the urban dictionary's definition.
This email machine is full of such useful information!

is it ever enough?

I often wonder, will I ever be completely happy?
God, that sounds shitty.
I have so much. But, sometimes, it feels like too little.

that precious phone call.

I received the sweet phone call from my supervisor today saying, "Don't come in. Call your clients." I immediately hung up the phone and started dancing and singing, sending my dog into a frenzy. There is nothing like a snow day. It's funny because when you get out of school, you think you'll never have those again. So, when you do, they are much sweeter. Granted, I don't have a sled or anyone to enjoy it with currently. The old man is at work and I fear driving in the snow like I fear getting my legs cut off. It just isn't an option. Here I sit, alone but content. I get to enjoy the rest of Inside the Actor's Studio with Conan O'Brien as the guest. I get to laugh and not worry that I'm going to be late. I get to keep my knee high socks on...my plaid pajama pants and not worry about looking professional or saying the right thing. My clients are probably not in crisis today because they are not in school. I will think of them and write about them in my "real" journal. But, for now, I don't have to do anything but sit. And be happy.

It's a new year.

Following my friend Johanna's lead, I'm starting a new blog. I don't want to give up completely to Livejournal, due to dedicating many years to entries about nothing. But, here, I feel like I can start fresh and maybe find more interesting things to write about. I used to write quite often. Now, I only sign my name and credentials. I'm forgetting how to spell words rapidly because I'm not exercising my brain anymore.

Anyway, here's to a new year and a fresh start. My resolutions each year are similar. But, I'm going to be more specific this year. I'm going to stop saying unnecessary cuss words. I'm going to be nicer to people. Some may not think that's possible, but I feel like a real jerk when I'm mean to the creepy old man in the office next door. (He will remain creepy, however, I will not be making fun of him...or trying my hardest not to!) I'm going to drink less sodas but refuse to deny myself one if I have a bad day. I'm going to walk my sweet, precious dog more often, even in the cold weather. I'm going to stop hating on my body, because it's not really that bad. And, I'm going to take my family on a trip this year, even if I can't really afford it.

Here's the keeping these goals for myself. I'm sure the progress won't be seen initially...but, that's what progress is, I suppose.

I got a new, fancy camera, too. I want to start documenting my life in pictures.